How to have Trigger-less, Stress-free Holidays
Thanksgiving is coming up and it's the beginning of the holiday season. There are probably lots of events that you have on your calendar with friends and family. These times can be fun and joyful, but for many the holidays can be a very hard time full of triggers.
For folks that struggle around the holidays, here are some suggestions on how to make things a little easier on yourself so that you can spend the holiday season enjoying the celebrations instead of coping with stress.
Be OKAY with Bailing
For a lot of people, a significant amount of stress during the holidays comes from the obligations of holiday parties and spending time with people that you may not feel close to. We often dutifully attend parties and agree to events to make other people happy, but that can come at our own expense and leave us feeling anxious, exhausted, and triggered. One way to help ease the stress of your holiday season is to make an agreement with yourself that it's OK to bail.
No one gets special points for attending every single event. You're not going to be happier or healthier or more well-adjusted because you went to a holiday party that you really didn't want to go to. You can either decline events in the first place or decide not to go at the last minute. Some people may consider that rude and it's OK that they do because your well-being is just as important as somebody else's opinions about your attendance. It’s okay to send a simple text declining an invitation. You don’t have to include any content or explanation.
You saying “no” is sufficient.
Accept that Everyone will be On-Brand
I was recently married, and I was really worried about my parents meeting my in-laws for the first time. One thing that my therapist reminded me of is that everybody is going to behave exactly as they have always behaved. Once I was able to understand that and accept that everybody was going to be exactly who they've always been, it took a lot of pressure off me and my partner to feel like we had to manage or manipulate the situation to make ourselves and others as comfortable as possible.
I'm not in charge of what other people say or do and somebody else being on brand for them doesn't diminish my brand as a person.
Manage Your Emotions - Let Others Manage Theirs, Too
A lot of stress from the holidays comes from wanting other people to be happy or trying to meet other people's expectations. Ultimately everybody is responsible for their own emotional world and their own emotional wellness, and it is OK to prioritize what matters to you when it comes to holiday celebrations. Including who you spend it with, where you spend them, and how you decide to celebrate.
Other people may be disappointed by your choices but that's not your problem.
They get to feel whatever they want to feel about your choices and you still get to make the choices that are best for you. This may sound harsh or even confrontational for some people but when everybody takes responsibility for their own emotions, including the hopes and desires they have for the holidays, then everybody gets to spend the holidays exactly how they want to spend them. AND if somebody else's holiday dreams are dependent on you participating or showing up in a specific or particular way then that person gets to learn how they can manage their own expectations more effectively for next year.
Visualize How YOU Want to Feel and Act
in the Most Triggering Circumstances
When people get together with their families it often feels like you've been transported back to being a teenager and the same arguments, issues, and family dynamics automatically pop up no matter how much time has passed since those teenage years. It's easy to respond in the way you would have when you were younger because it’s likely that those dynamics haven’t changed over the years.
One way to protect yourself against responding like your teenage self would is to visualize yourself responding the way that your rational, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent adult self would respond to the situation. When we go into situations without thinking about how we would prefer to respond, we give our brain only one option to behave the way we always have in this situation.
By visualizing how you want to be in those moments, including what emotions you want to feel, what you say, your tone of voice, how your body feels you begin to create a new pattern or neural pathways in your brain so that you've given yourself a choice on how to respond.
Peace on Earth Starts with Your Peace of Mind
While it may seem obvious because it's the holidays, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that this is the time of year we’re meant to be celebrating together, nurturing loving relationships, and being with loved ones. One thing that helps me have peace of mind during the holidays is remembering a big reason why people feel so strongly and have so much expectation built up around the holidays is because they want them to be meaningful. Keeping that in mind allows me to give people the benefit of the doubt when they get on my nerves, or when I feel triggered, or when some expectation is placed on me that I never agreed to.
My family, friends, and colleagues just want to have a memorable experience that is full of joy and connection. By keeping my focus on the goals of connection and joy I'm able to keep perspective when people act out to me or near me. This doesn't excuse anybody's behavior and it doesn't make it OK when people act out, but I get to keep my peace of mind by assuming their positive intent. I'll be the first to admit that I have a really hard time with this one and I've not always been successful doing this in the past, so my goal this holiday season is to keep this in the front of my mind for my own peace of mind.
Conclusion: I hope these reminders have helped you prepare for the holidays. By preparing yourself and your emotions for the holidays you might be able to enjoy yourself more this year. Be sure to check out the unstuck groups Instagram reel here, and follow Green Circle Collective’s Instagram for more tips on having a great holiday season.
