Perfectionism can Harm Good Therapy
The best results from therapy come when the client (you) are ready to be in therapy.
This readiness primes the pump for the work towards growth.
An important thing that I tell clients is that motivation and growth are not always consistent in therapy. This can be hard for folks that have perfectionistic tendencies. If you happen to be a perfectionist, getting hung-up on perfectionism can often harm good therapy. Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? Are you aware of what causes perfectionism? What actually is perfectionism? Let’s explore these ideas further so we can see if you are stunting your own growth.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism. What is it? The simplest answer: perfection is the only acceptable outcome. There’s no room for failure and even when things aren’t perfect, they must seem perfect. Being perfect is a way to ward off scrutiny and boost self-esteem. Life must be lived as flawlessly as possible, because if not, one is unworthy.
There are three kinds of perfectionism; Self-oriented, Other-oriented, and Social-oriented. Self-oriented perfectionism means that you must be perfect. You may be able to get away with less than perfection, but you must meet and exceed any standard set. Other-oriented perfectionism is when your standards for perfection apply to others. Those around you, especially in work or social settings must meet your standards. Social-oriented perfectionism is when others, such as family, friends, coaches, and even cultures or groups, place an emphasis on perfection.
What Causes Perfectionism?
What causes perfectionism? Perfectionism is a self-perpetuating cycle because perfectionists often get rewarded for their perfectionism. The more you achieve because you’re perfect, the more you want to be perfect to continue to achieve, and the more recognition you receive for your achievements. This cycle can start from internal or external pressures, comparing yourself to others, or from the culture you participate in.
Why do people put this pressure on themselves to be perfect? It could be the result of:
Growing up with critical, distant, or unengaged caregivers/parents
Only receiving attention when you achieve or are perfect
A strong belief your self-worth depends on what you achieve
Needing to be in control of your life, body, or environment
Participating in activities that emphasize perfection
Working in jobs that value results over process
Other types of trauma that left you feeling helpless
The paradox of perfectionism in therapy is that many people who identify as perfectionists could really benefit from therapy, but can struggle in therapy because they want to “do it right”. Sticking to perfectionism can dramatically decrease your ability to progress in your therapy treatment.
Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism?
Is perfectionism inherently bad? No. The behaviors that come along with perfectionism are often quite valued. Goal setting, focus, a quality work ethic, integrity, drive, and enthusiasm are all qualities that my perfectionistic clients have an abundance of. As a therapist, these qualities are what we would consider adaptive. In this case, adaptive means that there is a positive benefit. Adaptive traits, qualities, and behaviors are born out of the necessity we have in life to turn lemons into lemonade. These traits are sometimes innate (you’re born with them) or developed (you learned them along the way).
These behaviors, traits, and qualities become maladaptive (the opposite of adaptive, meaning that there are unpleasant or negative consequences or outcomes) when perfection is the only acceptable standard. Focusing on perfection can cause stress, anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem, disordered eating, and exacerbate trauma. When it becomes necessary for you to be perfect or do perfectly it can unfortunately stunt your growth potential.
Perfectionism Stunts Growth
Entering into therapy is a huge step. You’ll have the chance to do that inner work to help you through a trauma, to improve the quality of your life, or heal from a life-changing event. However, therapy isn’t going to be smooth sailing. Digging into your inner thoughts, feelings, beliefs and more, can bring about some bumps in the road.
Knowing there will be bumps in the road requires belief that the scenery and excitement of the journey is as important as the destination. Maintaining that belief means remaining open to new possibilities, trying and failing, and being kind to yourself. Perfectionism can stunt your growth if you can’t drive over the bumps to the smoother road on the other side, regardless if you:
need to stop a few times and roll backwards
have to go slow
get over the bump, drive a few miles, and then need to turn the car around and speed back over the bump ending up with a flat tire and a busted axle
Your therapist is trained to help you over the bumps regardless of the length, speed, or quality of the ride. It’s about the journey.
Overcome Perfectionism
We can work together to overcome perfectionism, and help you realize this important endeavor is worthwhile even when it isn’t perfect. Because it won’t be perfect. Good therapy is filled with challenges. Without challenge, there’s no change and change is essential for your healing and growth. Let’s get to work - together.
